So I've been together with this girl for over a year now. I recently learned that she masturbates occasionally. She won't tell me exactly how often, but it seems like it's a couple times a month.
Unfortunately, I'm kind of an insecure guy, and I get paranoid about a lot of things. So naturally, I wonder what she thinks about when she masturbates. The thing is, she is bi, and she has made it obvious that she finds females far more attractive. The thing that keeps her with guys is that she wants kids someday.
I'm afraid that all she will think about is girls she knows, and I wouldn't be too happy about that.
HOWEVER, I told her that I would love to watch her masturbate. And I also thought about possibly introducing porn to her, preferably lesbian porn. I feel like if I have control over what she's thinking about, I'll feel a little better. Plus, that would turn both of us on like crazy. However, she has made it clear that porn is not her thing.
So, this is basically 2 questions:
1. Should I be worried that she masturbates at all, for any reason?
2. Any way I could persuade her to watch porn while doing so?
14 Replies
AskMyGF / 23 / Woman / Likes Men / Single
Dude, no offense, but you need to back off a little bit. You want to control her masturbation? No no no. Trying to do that is going to send you straight into her "he's an asshole" category. Do you not masturbate and fantasize about other women, perhaps the ones in the porn you want her to watch? Why is she not allowed to do the same thing? The fact is that when someone masturbates, they want to be in a fantasy land. Reality is thoroughly boring. Regardless of who she has in her mind, she is with you, not them. Get over the insecurity and realize that at the end of the day, she is still with you and will be as long as you don't try to take over her life.
The reason I'm slightly harsh about this is because I tried to do the same control thing to my husband. Even though he found me sexy, told me I was beautiful, and loved me to death, I was still super insecure about the fact that I may never be better than the women floating in his mind while he whacked off. It took a ton of fights and reassurances to finally get me to see that I was the one he was fucking - not those girls. They might be in his mind, but I was in his life and still am. Period.
In other words, the answer to question 1 is no, you shouldn't worry by any means. Women masturbate just like men do, and we all have our own unique fetishes that get our minds rolling. The second you try to interfere with that, the second she'll actually start to consider leaving you for the women you feel insecure in comparison to. You'll make your fears a reality.
As for the second question, watching porn is going to pretty much be her decision. Again, it's a matter of personal taste. Women aren't as porn prone as men are, or some of them aren't at least. Maybe ask her to watch it in exchange for something you'll do for her and see where it takes you. Good luck.
AskMyGF / 23 / Woman / Likes Men / Single
Boys boys boys...let's calm down a wee bit please. Don't make me step in like one of those hot girls in booty shorts who hold up signs for the UFC and distract people from the fight :)
I get where you're coming from Interesting. Been there, done that sort of thing. Back in the day, I was equally as insecure with the man I now call my husband, or perhaps even more so because he knew a shitload about sex and I was raised in a household where the word didn't even exist, let alone discussions about it. Ugh, I hated it...I figured he had all kinds of expectations I wouldn't fulfill and experiences I couldn't live up to. You know what though? I DID fulfill and live up to them, as I'm sure you are doing with your current girlfriend.
You mentioned that you are a human with feelings. Well, she is too. Some of those feelings (or a good portion of them) end up being sexual. You can't stop that. What you can do is fuck her brains out with the same passion you just used to lash out at BooBoo, to the point where she won't ever want anything but your dick again. Direct your worries elsewhere and use them to make your performance better in bed. The right moves will make all the difference. Good luck!
Tez1 / 37 / Man / Likes Women / In a relationship
Dude you are worrying over nothing, just because she is "bi" does not mean she is going to cheat on you with another woman, and if she fantasises about other women while she masturbates so what, it's just a fantasy. You need to realise that she is with you and her thoughts and fantasies are nothing more than a little stimulus for her "me time". I assume you masturbate? and I'm gonna take a shot in the dark and suggest your missus isn't always the one on your mind? it's therefore fair for her to do the same. her private thoughts are and should be totally off limits unless she wants to share them with you, and until you learn to trust her she is unlikely to share them.
Trust me my friend I know what I'm talking about, my missus is bisexual I've been with her 6 years she hasn't cheated, she masturbates and thinks about whatever she feels like and I we have so far never had a threesome so just because somebody likes it both ways doesn't mean that they can't settle down with one or other perfectly happily.
At the end of the day you chose to be with a bisexual and you need to decide if you are secure enough deal with that situation. My partner knows that if she felt she needed another woman in her life I would not stand in the way but that respect for her has a trade off as she wouldn't have another woman in her life without involving me too and she knows I would never try to force that issue as much as I'd love to go there lol.
Life is about respect and trust, you just need to learn to trust here and have more self confidence in why she has chosen to be with you.
Good luck I sincerely hope it works out for you both.
Loverx / Man / Likes Men / Single
There is huge difference between whats in his/her mind and what he or she does, so why are you scared of soemthing that happens in Mind. secondly as u said she finds females far more attractive and The thing that keeps her with guys is that she wants kids someday. That means she is attracted to woman more, she more a lesbian and she is a bi for reproductive purposes only
Loverx / Man / Likes Men / Single
lol, same here, i used to hate girls who masturbate because i felt they imagine about other men, yes, masturbation is just to release your sexual frustration and now for me it doesn't matter what her fantasies are.
Booboo / Woman / Likes Men / Single
My apologies Miss H. Sometime us sensitive types get carried away.
Usually at times like this, we either need a nap, our diapers changed, or to suck on a titty a little bit.
Can you imagine how hard it is to live with me?
I LOVE MY WIFE! SHE'S THE GREATEST! Excuse me while I go tell her.
Tez1 / 37 / Man / Likes Women / In a relationship
Dude you are worrying over nothing, just because she is "bi" does not mean she is going to cheat on you with another woman, and if she fantasises about other women while she masturbates so what, it's just a fantasy. You need to realise that she is with you and her thoughts and fantasies are nothing more than a little stimulus for her "me time". I assume you masturbate? and I'm gonna take a shot in the dark and suggest your missus isn't always the one on your mind? it's therefore fair for her to do the same. her private thoughts are and should be totally off limits unless she wants to share them with you, and until you learn to trust her she is unlikely to share them.
Trust me my friend I know what I'm talking about, my missus is bisexual I've been with her 6 years she hasn't cheated, she masturbates and thinks about whatever she feels like and I we have so far never had a threesome so just because somebody likes it both ways doesn't mean that they can't settle down with one or other perfectly happily.
At the end of the day you chose to be with a bisexual and you need to decide if you are secure enough deal with that situation. My partner knows that if she felt she needed another woman in her life I would not stand in the way but that respect for her has a trade off as she wouldn't have another woman in her life without involving me too and she knows I would never try to force that issue as much as I'd love to go there lol.
Life is about respect and trust, you just need to learn to trust here and have more self confidence in why she has chosen to be with you.
Good luck I sincerely hope it works out for you both.
John / 21 / Man / Likes Men / Single
Dude, my question was not "how do I change her." It was, should I worry?
Fuck you. I'm "dooming her" to a non-bi relationship? Fuck you. Just because one is bisexual does not entail that they frequent sexual partners of both genders. Fuck you man.
Also, I think this line mislead everybody:
"I feel like if I have control over what she's thinking about, I'll feel a little better."
By saying that, I SIMPLY meant:
I feel like if I have her watch porn with me or while she masturbates and I watch, I would feel a little bit better.
MY POINT SIMPLY BEING THAT it would be obvious what she is getting off to. The naked people right in front of her. That's all I meant. Sure, I'm a little insecure. I don't like when my partner thinks about others in a sexual manner. Sorry, I'm a fucking human being with feelings. I want the person I love to love me, and only me. Of course, that is selfish, but that's the way we both see things.
BooBoo, you assume too much. I know, I only gave so much info for you to work with, but seriously. Quit calling me a fucking moron, and take a look in the mirror. Fuck off. Go give "advice" somewhere else.
Booboo / Woman / Likes Men / Single
...and again ladies, masturbate for your guy. Don't be shy. Teach us what you know and maybe we'll get better at making you come.
Interesting, I'm actually on your side on this one.
And forget the lesbian porn. You could have the real thing, and you want porn? You gotta lighten up on her first.
Booboo / Woman / Likes Men / Single
One has to read between some of the lines in situations like this...
Yes of course, if someone cheats on you, you are going to be insecure. But you cannot blame nor try to control the thoughts of your next partner for what your ex has done. Ok, this one may want to have sex with someone else too. One is coincidence, two may be the start of a trend.
But if you are hooking up with a bi-woman, isn't the nature of the relationship that she will want to have sex with other people? You are upset that she masturbates and upset at who or what she may be thinking about when she masturbates. How upset are you going to feel when she wants to have sex with someone else? It sounds to me like you have not accepted her for who she is and as she is.
>>"She'd rather caress some firm boobies than my hairy ass. I think anybody would."
Sure, but your letter seems to show that this makes you insecure and jealous. Not fair to her. Are you dooming her to a monogamous (non-bi) relationship with you? And demand she be monogamous in her thoughts too?
You are upset that she masturbates and upset at who or what she may be thinking about when she masturbates. You are being a moron, and if I'm an asshole for saying that, I'll accept that from you. You cannot control the thoughts of others to try to make yourself feel better.
Your questions were, "how do I change her." I'm saying "Don't". You have to change you. And that's the best advice you are going to get all year, and if you listen to it, it will change your life for the better.
If your relationship, and if she is, all that you say it/she is, get over it. This is your problem not hers.
John / 21 / Man / Likes Men / Single
Okay BooBoo, just gotta say, you read between the lines quite a bit.... and put a few words in my mouth. To be honest, if I explained everything in perfect detail, my question would've taken 9 paragraphs instead of 2. I already felt like I was blabbering.
Consider this, okay? She is bisexual. Most people would agree that females are a work of art. Men... not so much. Or not in the same manner. So it is my opinion that most bisexuals, or even people in general, would agree in saying females are more appealing sexually overall.
Our relationship is based on a lot of things, not just sexual attraction. She is obviously attracted to males. The fact is, she just finds females to be "easier on the eyes," so to speak. She'd rather caress some firm boobies than my hairy ass. I think anybody would.
But seriously, she's not all about sex. We both have very similar personalities and click on so many levels.
But what can I say... considering an ex of mine cheated on me with a girl. She never even told me she was interested whatsoever in women. I didn't even find out she cheated until maybe a year after we broke up. So that's why I'm a little insecure about certain things. She had no interest in women... But she cheated on me with a woman... Not only that, she didn't even admit to it until way later. That obviously had an effect on a 16 year old. And it stuck with me, as you can see.
Honestly, BooBoo, back off. It was a question that I asked for advice on, and you pretty much tell me I'm a moron, that I'm going to ruin someone's life, and that I'm basically a personal sperm bank. Thanks asshole.
Heaven, I appreciate the blunt approach. I suppose the point of the question was leaning more towards... Should I worry she's getting bored with our sex life. You think I would've learned this sooner, considering we've been dating for 16+ months.
Booboo / Woman / Likes Men / Single
...and ladies, many guys love watching thier girls masturbate. Maybe you can let them watch next time, if he does the dishes?
Booboo / Woman / Likes Men / Single
This is the sentence that caught my eye:
>>"I feel like if I have control over what she's thinking about, I'll feel a little better."
That, my friend is completely the wrong approach. First, you won't feel better, so stop going there. And B, YOU DON'T GET TO CONTROL WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK ABOUT! Your insecurity is going to ruin someone's life. I hope it's only going to be your life and not some poor kid's life.
Heaven is being way to kind to you.
She likes woman better then men, but she keeps men around because she wants kids? OK, so she wants you for a sperm donor? How do you feel about that? Is that the kind of relationship you really want? Good luck controlling the thoughts of everyone in that situation. There are plenty of clinics around that can take care of her needs.
But, if you can manage the ultimate guy fantasy and create a stable 3-way between you and two girls, by all means go for it. However, I have the feeling once you do your part, you will no longer be needed and it wouldn't be the fantasy situation that I have in my head.
>>"1. Should I be worried that she masturbates at all, for any reason?"
NO. Not for any reason. Wait, let me make an exception. If you are horrible and shitty in bed, so she masturbates because you are completely insensitive to her needs and have never made her come before, yes, you should then be worried.
>>"2. Any way I could persuade her to watch porn while doing so?"
You might be able to manipulate or blackmail her into anything. But again, is this really the type of relationship you want?
>>"I'm afraid that all she will think about is girls she knows, and I wouldn't be too happy about that."
She was up front with you about liking girls more than guys, but you are unhappy if she thinks about girls? What the hell are you doing? Gently tell this girl that you made a mistake, and things are not going to work out between you two. And then go get yourself some 18 year old virgin pussy that has been abused by her father and would think that the abusive relationship you want is normal. That way you can train her up right.*
*(No, don't do that, I'm kidding)
TrueLoveSwallows / Man / Likes Women / Single
Fantasizing and acting on it are definitely two different things. I see this going one of two ways. She continues to fantasize about women when she masturbates but doesn't act on. Or, she acts on it and finds a woman who she has great sex with. If its the former, you have nothing to worry about. If the latter, you might have an opportunity for a 3-way, which is something that a lot of guys fantasize about. I don't necessarily see her being bi as a bad thing. As for getting her to watch porn with you I have no magic formula. I've only known one woman who got turned on by porn the way a guy would. Another was okay with it, and would masturbate me or give me a BJ while we watched, but she didn't get turned on by the porn. Most women I have known have no interest in watching it. I suppose it goes back to everyone being different. Some women claim to love taking it in the ass and others swear they would never even try it. Neither one is right, just different.