My wife is sort of a shy person and was pretty bashful when it came to sex, but when we first got physical I took it slow, let her give me red lights with no grief, and we were completely enamored with one another so she got over it quickly. Our first sexual experiments with one another (beyond kissing petting and making out) were mostly oral, and then much later we had vaginal intercourse. For the longest time I thought I was just bad at sex and she put up with it because I was her first. (Please don't flame me because she's never had sex with anyone else. I don't like the fact that we were high school sweethearts either, I know it's cheesy and saccarin and nauseating to most people, but it works for us.)
Closing in on 3 years of marriage and 5.5 years of our relationship, she still hasn't had a clitoral orgasm, and I'm not sure if she had a vaginal/g-spot orgasm. There were a few times when I was stimulating her vaginally, hoping to stimulate her g-spot, and she, like usual, when I do this, complains that she "needs to pee." However, I eventually convinced her that was a potential precursory sensation to an orgasm, and let her do her thing. However, I (very, very unfortunately) admitted that what came out didn't smell good, and might actually be pee. This traumatized her (God, I'm so fucking stupid...) and humiliated her, and despite a good deal of convincing her that I don't really care, that I'll love her no matter what, that I really want to be able to give her great pleasure, no matter what it looks or smells like, she still can't let go of her fear. So every time, she insists on stopping what we are doing and leaving the room to pee. No, I'm not into piss play, that's not an option. [EDIT: upon re-reading this section, I realize that this fluid is potentially NOT pee, but instead female ejaculate. However, I can't convince her it's not pee, and I really don't want an odorous fluid on me unless I can wash it off quickly] And usually when she comes back, she's no longer turned on, so I have to warm her back up.
What's worse, she never masturbates and apparently never has, or never did it more than a handful of times, I'm not sure. In any case, it's definitely not a habit and not something she feels the need to do. I've tried to convince her to masturbate while I watch, or while I do it too, or to rub her clitoris during sex (something I find VERY sexy) or try vibrators, but she always declines. She once admitted to me that she thought the flow of a showerhead on her clitoris feels good, but we don't have a removable shower head and I don't think we can install one. She doesn't enjoy it when I play with her clit with my fingers, and it's difficult to arouse her to the point where it's actually swollen enough for you to see it, and even then you must pull back the hood. She complained it was too sensitive for the longest time, but after playing with it a lot, both with tongue and fingers, she doesn't complain about that anymore. However, each time I do so, she asks me to stop so I can penetrate her vaginally. She likes it, and I can tell she isn't faking it. She also initiates sex about 30% of the time, and not in an obvious way that I might think she does it to please me, but instead, for example, I'll already be asleep and she'll start playing with me and get me aroused so we can have sex, even sometimes where I'll think I dreamed it and she'll laugh and say "nope!"
Lately I've been convincing her to get on top and rub her mons pubis and clit on me while I'm inside of her, and I'll help her move back and forth when she gets tired, etc. but she always stops and I don't feel contractions in her vagina, she doesn't act much like it was an orgasm, but more of a really intense sensation (I've seen girls have an orgasm in porn, and she doesn't look like that- I know porn isn't often realistic, but amateur porn is, right? maybe?), and biggest problem of all, I'll ask if she thought that was an orgasm, and I never get a yes, I always get a "no" or an "I don't think so" and when I asked her if she thought she's ever had an orgasm she said "maybe" and then "I don't know, probably not." I always heard that ifyou'd had one, you'd already know. So all signs point to her never having had one.
She has told me that clitoral stimulation is simply too intense, and the reason she stops when she's on top, is that it's "too much." wtf.
I've suggested toys a couple of times, and she's totally embarrassed by the thought. I even suggested getting a vibrator for me, hoping that I could just use it on her first. No such luck, plus I think it made her feel awkward and insecure that I might be bisexual. I excused myself, saying an old friend said straight guys can like it too (even though I have homosexual attractions on occasion.)
To top it all off, when we have sex vaginally and I can actually last 15 or 20 minutes, or when I feel like going again (lots of times I can stay hard right after climax) she actually requests that I finish soon 90% of the time because she's "had her fill" and I can tell she's not really into it anymore. WTF
So does have anyone have any advice/ideas? I'm fresh out, frustrated, and frankly sad about this. It makes me feel confused and incompetent. And I'd skip any ideas about swinging or anything extramarital; like I said, she's pretty shy. And frankly, I think I'd feel threatened if she was with another man, and she probably wouldn't do it anyway. That's not to say I couldn't forgive her, but... And I'm pretty sure she wouldn't go for anything homosexual, even though I would be totally into it and she has some hot friends. She did once make an off-hand joke about having a threesome with the gay guy at work, (which I would actually probably go for, I fantasize being the middle of a sandwich) but people at work make all kinds of borderline gay and sex jokes like that, so she probably wouldn't actually be interested in that. (A boy can dream, right?)
HELP ME PLEASE!!!