I am going through a hard time right now. A few days ago I caught my 14 yr old giving oral sex to her 16 yr boyfriend, in our house, in our kitchen. It has been very hard for me to cope with. I've always talked to her about sex, STD's and pregnancy. I want to be an understanding mom. I know she will have sex eventually but why now? How do I trust her again? I made her break up with her boyfriend. It hurts me that she's also hurting... because she killed the trust we had in her, because she made me cry and because she will not be seeing her boyfriend anymore. Any advise?
10 Replies
AskMyGF / 22 / Woman / Likes Men / Single
Ah, teens will be teens, as we all know. For one, you caught her. The fact that you actually saw her doing that will automatically associate your face with the act. No one wants to give a blow job with mom's face hovering above, so chances are you highly turned her off the matter. She liked the thrill of the riskiness. She got caught. Risk met reality, and now she knows that she can't get away with stuff as easily. It's a good thing overall.
Only you can determine when your child is trustworthy again, but it won't be right away. Perhaps after she spends some time away from the boy, you could slowly let her text him again or go on controlled outings where you are present. If she shows that she is ready for more trust, give it to her grudgingly...just enough to test her. The second she falters, go back to square one.
And of course it hurts you. She likely sees that. you can't feel bad for punishing her because in the end, it will help her mature and grow up to make wiser decisions. All you can do now is take everything day by day.
Chris / Woman / Likes Men / Single
You need to really think about it. I mean it. Yes she is 14, but she isn't a child, she isn't a grown up either. She was with her boyfriend, how long have they been together? If for a while then she waited, but 1st date then that is a issue. Also did her botfriend make her or did she want to? If she was forced to then that guy isn't right for her. If she wanted to, then making her break up with they guy doesn't correct things. The next guy dates she might again, but hide it better. She is at the age that a lot of teenagers & people start to become sexual active. I know that's not what you wanted to hear, but it's the truth. You can be glad it was just oral & not intercouse.
GG / 32 / Woman / Likes Women / Married
i was 14yrs old when i lost my virginity however i had been with my boyfriend for 6months and he was only 14 too. sounds mad i know but sexual maturity can alter greatly from person to person. i have always had a really open relationship with my mum and i think its helped greatly. shes caught me a few times back in the day but she never made a big deal out of it she just spoke to me like an adult and asked me if it was what i wanted to do and if i was being careful.
if had been in the same situ as you i probably wouldve reacted the same but surely now looking back you must see that making her finish with her boyf isnt the solution (unless hes really no good for her). things like that will just drive a wedge between you two and make her more secretive about things. i understand its a hard thing to accept as a parent that your little girl is growing up and far quicker than you'd like but unfortunately thats society today. have a quiet grown up word with her about it all and call a truce. youre her mum you'll know whats right in the end :-)
Marcus / 21 / Man / Likes Women / Single
You destroyed any chance you had of being an understanding mom when you made her break up with her boyfriend. The new reality, for better or for worse, is that a good number (not necessarily a majority) of high-school age teens have sex. Your daughter and her boyfriend are no different, and it is very, VERY mean of you to make them break up because of it. I'm sure you hurt your daughter very badly by doing that, and not only is your trust in her gone but her trust in you is probably gone as well.
Here's what you should have done, and what hopefully you will do next time, because this will most likely not be her last sexual encounter before she fully moves out of the house (and by fully I mean when she doesn't even come home for breaks from college): talk to her and tell her that you thought she was too young and ask her to think deeply about if she is ready for this. Tell her (again) about all the risks of STDs and pregnancy. You trust her again by letting her be a normal teen, have a boyfriend, go out, etc.
I don't mean to make you feel bad, but if she is mad or upset with you about this I would definitely take her side based on what you've told us. Just understand that teens will be teens, that they have raging hormones that you can't stop, and instead of trying to stop her from being intimate with boys altogether, make sure she is educated and prepared for what she is getting into. And DON'T make her break up with someone because of something like this, she will see this as way over controlling and be a lot more likely to rebel against you (in possibly reckless ways) because of it.
Joy / 39 / Man / Likes Women / Married
Actually, whatever steps you might want to take, it is best to think about what you really want to achieve. making her break up doesnt sound good at all. and 14 is not so far away from 18 that you will be able to have any amount of control on her once she gets to college. for that matter, why would you want to have control over her at all? if at all possible, invite the boy over for dinner and show them that there is more to love than sucking dick. the family feeling, warmth of relationships, love and care, - all these retro things can make a big difference and help them to cope with peer pressure.
LonelyK / 39 / Woman / Likes Men / In a relationship
Update... things with my teenage daughter has increasingly improved.... after the whole ordeal, they did continue to see other but... it was hard to keep a secret and second, he was really treating her bad, he started manipulating her, saying he'd kill himself if she left him or he would otherwise threaten her... it was sad but thank goodness she made her own mind and she opened up to me! She is currently 16, she had a crush on another guy recently but decided she rather focus on school and her extracurricular activities... but thanks to all for your comments/opinions and advices!
Thor! · Good to know!
LonelyK · Thanks Thor! ;-)
GG · Thankyou so much for letting us know and i'm glad things all worked out for your daughter eventually :-)
Miami / Man / Likes Women / Single
Sorry, but you're being played. No, I don't know this for a fact. But consider what you have written, that she's giving up sex after becoming sexually active.
You don't believe that, do you? I mean, come on...
You should be doing two things now:
a) Making certain that she respects herself, that she's not willing to be used or abused, that she values herself. Give her all the help you can here!!, this is important.
b) And start helping her to make good choices as to who she chooses as BF's. No, I don't mean that she should choose the local guy who's Harvard bound. But, for example (I used to counsel lesbian's who wanted to change to men,) and I taught them to let men talk when they would meet a new guy. To listen, to see if they were consistent.
And later, try to decide: were they lying?, or not? Because you're daughter needs to be able to make the right choices.
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