There are times you may find yourself in a romantic relationship with a person who is very controlling. Sometimes the controlling behavior may be tied in with jealousy; or you may simply be dealing with a person who is insistent on having things her way all the time. A controlling personality is not satisfied with having everything about herself be “just so.” She needs all of her surroundings, including you, to conform as well. Although being involved with a controlling person can be very difficult, there are some things you can do to better cope with this kind of behavior.
Maintaining your strength
First of all, recognize that you are dealing with a controlling person, and resolve to keep a strong sense of your own identity in spite of this person’s behaviors. Make it clear to yourself, as well as your partner that, while you recognize their need to control, you will not allow yourself to be controlled.
Trying to cooperate
Rather than focusing on the conflict that arises from resistance to control, shift the focus to a cooperative attitude between you and your partner. Make a conscious effort to solve problems together and encourage her to contribute, while asserting yourself as well.
Letting your partner recognize the control
Don’t be shy about pointing out controlling behaviors and make it clear that those behaviors cause you stress. If the controlling person cares about you and your feelings, they may not always realize that they are making your life difficult; they are simply accustomed to these behaviors and can’t work to change them unless they are pointed out. If necessary, stress that you are an adult and do not need a parent or parent figure to tell you what to do. As an adult, you alone are responsible for your decisions and their outcomes, and even the most controlling person needs to respect that.
Knowing you are a good person
A controlling person will often enjoy pointing out your faults and shortcomings, so be sure to remind yourself often that it is the controller, not you, who has the problem. As difficult as it may be, stay strong in your own identity so you can keep the controller’s issues separate from your own. Just because the controller has a problem does not mean you actually have one.
Spending time on your own
Spending a lot of time around a controlling person can be very difficult and draining, so be sure to give yourself some time away, doing things you enjoy. Be aware that the controller may very well try to discourage you from these activities, because it removes you from their sphere of influence. Just remain strong and do the things you like to do. It may take some time, but the controller will eventually accept the reality you create.
Planning what to say in the control
Many people simply don’t know how to respond to someone who is controlling and overbearing, so it’s helpful to have some responses in mind. Keep them simple and non-confrontational, and walk away as quickly as you can. This is often difficult for a controlling person to deal with because they like to keep conflicts going in the hopes of wearing the other person down. When discussing anything specific, do your best to keep the conversation on topic, and end it if the other person tries to change the subject in order to somehow make something your fault.Being in a relationship with a controlling person is not impossible, but it’s important to retain a strong sense of self and be very careful that control does not eventually turn into abuse.
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