Social drinking is common in the dating world. But if you’re interested in dating a person who is a recovering alcoholic, there are special considerations for making the relationship work, whether your romantic interest has gone through a twelve-step program like Alcoholics Anonymous or not.
See if the person is ready to date
Many twelve-step programs and therapists suggest that recovering alcoholics not enter into romantic relationships early in their recovery process because that process needs the person’s full attention. It’s a good idea to find out how long the person has been sober and determine whether or not he or she feels ready for dating.
Put the recovery needs first
If you both agree to pursue a romantic relationship, you need understand that the person’s recovery should come first in new relationship regardless of how long the person has been sober. New relationships are exciting but also stressful, and they can trigger temptation or a relapse. If the recovering alcoholic asks to take a break or ease up the relationship, be respectful of that choice.
Be supportive of their support system
If the recovering alcoholic is a member of Alcoholics Anonymous or a similar program, realize that it’s an important and necessary component to their recovery process because it provides a support system of others who understand completely. If the person you’re dating has a sponsor and the relationship begins to grow serious, it might be helpful to ask for the sponsor’s contact information in case you need guidance or help understanding the recovery process. You should also consider joining Al-Anon, a support program for those affected by another’s alcoholism that offers strength and insight for families and friends of problem drinkers in all steps of the recovery process.
Don’t tempt the former alcoholic
You should also be mindful of your own consumption of alcoholic beverages when dating a recovering alcoholic. However, don’t automatically assume that you know how to best support the person. If you’re going to be in a social situation where drinks will be served, give your boyfriend or girlfriend a heads up but don’t make the decision about whether or not to attend for them. Some recovering alcoholics don’t mind being around alcohol, while others might feel tempted to partake. Find out how your partner feels about the situation and act accordingly. Still, if the person you’re dating has given you the go ahead to drink in his or her presence, be considerate. You should avoid socializing at bars often, and you don’t want to be falling down drunk. Keep your own drinking in check.
Deal with the fact that they won’t be open
You should also respect the anonymity of the person you’re dating. Recovering from alcoholism is a deeply personal issue, and the other person may not want you to share this information with your family and friends – especially early in the relationship – since there can be a stigma attached. Although some recovering alcoholics are very open about their past, others may not want that information to be shared with others openly.Also be aware that recovering alcoholics sometimes have problems with intimacy or might be very inexperienced with dating because they’ve never had a healthy relationship while they’re sober. For many in recovery, alcoholism is a symptom of an underlying problem from their past like abuse or neglect, so take the relationship slowly.
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