Dating someone after a divorce can be an exciting thing. If you belong to the majority, you probably spent a lot of time in a state of depression while in the marriage, and you just hung in there for your children. When you meet someone new that really takes your breath away, it seems like your life is complete again. Everything looks to be headed in the right direction, until suddenly you realize that you have to tell your children about it. This can be even scarier than dating in the first place, but there are some ways that you can make the process go a little mother.
When not to tell the children
If you’re just starting to go out, you don’t have to tell your children anything. If they ask you where you‘re going, just tell them that you’re meeting with some friends or that you have a business conference. If you tell them too early, you run the risk of being their enemy and turning your date into an enemy as well. They’ll suddenly think that you’re replacing their mom or dad, and they’ll see the replacement as someone evil. If you’re just in the “getting to know each other” stages of your relationship, then your kids don’t need to know anything.
Figuring out if it’s time to tell the kids
Let’s say that you’ve been going out for a few months, and both you and your new partner have realized that you like one another. At this point, ask yourself if it’s for the kids’ benefits that you tell them that you’ve met someone. Don’t let your fear of a bad reaction stop you from telling your kids about someone new. Your children probably have fantasies of their parents reuniting, so introducing someone new to them will be hard. But you have to tell your children to be fair to them, and you‘ll just have to fight through the troubles. Your children deserve to know what’s going on if this new person is going to be around for awhile.Before you tell your kids anything, make sure that your partner is in for the long haul. Getting the children used to the idea of you dating is going to be a long process, and you don’t want to go through with it if the relationship will end quickly. Your children will hate your partner instantly when you tell them about the dating, and that is even before they even meet your partner.
Introducing the idea of someone new
To ease the transition a bit, you can tell your children that you’ve met someone--a new “friend.” This term will sound a lot more appealing to the children because it implies less commitment. If they react violently to the news, remind them that your former spouse (their other parent) has a special place in your heart, and you’re not looking for a replacement. Just explain to them that you need to have fun and go out with new friends. You may need to give them a few days for this.
Responding to your children’s feelings
After a few days or once they’ve settled down, you can ask them how they feel about the situation. If they are still upset, they may need reassurance that nothing will change between you and your children. Be there to support them in this tough time in their life. If things are going well, work in some stories about your dates every now and then. Tell them about the movie that you guys saw and that they should have been there. Then insert a comment that they should meet your friend sometime. This will help them get used to the idea of that person coming around.
Letting the children meet your new partner
There should be no pressure for the actual meeting, on you, the children, or your partner. That may be easier said than done, but if you ease into the situation well enough, everyone should end up happy. At this point in the relationship, your children will have been asking questions about your love interest. In response to that, you should offer stories about your partner in such a way that they’ll be most at ease with the meeting. Then you can arrange a meeting for everyone at a place where your kids are most comfortable, like at a park or a mall. If they are having fun while the meeting goes on, they will be much more likely to accept your “new friend.”
What happens after the meeting?
This whole process doesn’t stop at the meeting. Life should go on as normal as possible between you and your kids. That means you have to act as if nothing happened except for the fact that you added someone to the equation. No matter what, you want to honor your tradition with your children. If Friday nights are popcorn nights, don’t miss it until your children understands the relationship and all that‘s involved in it. You deserve to be happy and you want your children to be happy as well. With the right adjustments, you should be able to tell your children the truth about your relationship with a good response and an even better bond with your children.
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