My hubby and I have been together for 9 years now, and I've lost my enjoyment of sex, anything sex-related. I'd be fine not ever having sex again... different story for my husband. He wants it, and I don't. So I tried just sucking him off when he wanted, and the past few times we;ve done that, it's taken him three times as long to cum. My thing is I don't want to be sucking all damn night, I'd like to just get it over with so we can move on. We do have sex, and when we do, its pretty good, though only one position gets me off, it doesn't get him off though. So after I cum, I still have the task of making sure he's satisfied. I'd rather go to sleep.
Our sex life is like pulling teeth, you have no idea. If I use my vibrator, i can get the job done in under 5 min, with almost no energy spent... if we have sex, it takes way too long and wastes too much of my energy and time. When we have sex and I don't really want to, I'm only doing it cause otherwise he gets pissy cause he can't get laid and I'm left feeling like a whore that does it for free.
So I guess my question is how do I make myself want it? Also, for a couple of 30-something people, how often is normal to have sex in say... 1 week?
I really hope you can help me shed some light on this situation, because we do love each other a lot, but sex is one area in which we really need help.
6 Replies
Andy / 27 / Man / Likes Women / Just looking
It actually sounds like you really do have sex but that you are unsatisfied with it and feel your husband asked for it too much. First off when women are pressured into sex their libidos disappear, so ask your hubby to stop bothering you so much for sex as its killing the mood for you. In return promise him you will try to do things which will increase your interest but that you want to do it in your own way on your own time. Hopefully he'll understand without making him feel like your not considerate of his needs.
As for increasing ibido: If your stressed or tired or exausted allot make time in your day to de-stress. For example, it has been shown that one of the best ways for women to decrease the level of stress hormones in their body is to take daily, or near daily, long, relaxing baths. Another idea is to ask your husband to give you massages, maybe even whole-body massages depending on what your comfortable with, as often as possible. Tell him it will not necessarily lead to sex and he shouldn't expect that but that it will help you de-stress which may help you get in the mood later.
You say one position works for you but not for him and vis-versa. I'm taking from that that you don't use more than one position durring each sex-session? That sounds like pretty dull sex after a wile. Why not have the positon that satisfies you first, then let him have the position that satisfies him after? A relationship is give-and-take, if you get what you want from him you have to give what he wants to get from you if your going to have a satisfying relationship. Also it has been shown that couples who use many different positions and practices in their sex life both generally and in each sex-session have more frequent and satisfying sex than those who stick to just a limited repertoire. This is doubly true for women. So I would suggest trying new things as much as you are comfortable with as it will have a holistically benifitial effect on your sex life.
You mention using a vibrator and how easily you can be satisfied by it; why not incorporate it into sex with your husband? Use it to get yourself excited and in the mood and then let him take you the final distance, for example. If he is opposed to the idea remind him it will help you get interested and you may want to do it more often if the vibe gets involved. Let him stew on that idea and he may more easily come around to it. Also if he is intimated by it, for example if its a dildo vide that he may perceive as competative with his own penis, then invole him (either at a sex store or online) in buying a new one that is only for when your together, not just yours alone. Maybe buy a non-dildo type as this may seem less like competition and more like an addition to your relationship.
Have you ever watched porn? What is your thoughts on that? How often do you think of sex durring the day? It has been found that women who watch porn or simply think more often about sex want more sex. If you keep the idea of being intimate with your husband in your mind throughout the day you are likely to want it more when the opertunity actually comes around.
Also you may want to check with your doctor to see if you've had any recent hormone fluxuations, either natural or as the result of some medical proceedure or medication your taking, as this can cause libido changes in women.
As for frequency of sex; I'm afraid to say the average for 30-somethings is more like 2-3 times a week. Once per week is more in line with couples in their 60's or even 70's than their 30's. Sorry to brake that to you.
Heaven: deduct me two more Novelisation Demerits. ;-) I wonder what sort of penalty I'll get when I have enough demerits...humm?? lol
Heavenlyfollower / Woman / Likes Men / Single
I might get major demerits for this but as a 27 year old man My girlfriend and I have sex daily when were together. That is not abnormal especially since the majority of my friends are 30 something and there all doing it like bunnys... Women are actually suppose to reach their sexual peak in there 30's while men are suppose to reach it in there mid-twentys. Its usually women that are begging for it in their 30's and men wanting to just roll over.
The reality that people don't want to face is sex is a very very large part of a relationship between two partners, and if your struggling now its only gonna get harder.
Im just going to be honest and say that your taking a real immature approach to this and your being really hard and judgmental for the fact that the love of your life wants to make love to you and you'd rather vibe it up then knock out.
If this is your position on your relationship where you approach your husband wanting to be intimate with you as you feeling like a cheap whore, and even worse your putting a monitery thing on it (i.e. giving it up for free?) Id say you or both of you are in need of counceling or a re-evaluation of your relationship cause this isn't right at all... I actually thought that this was fake when I read it because it sounds so cruel...
I stand behind this answer, and believe that this is your problem more than his, he sounds patient and very understanding. I don't know you two but how you can make yourself the victim right now is not fair to your marriage.
The only biological/sympathetic stand point i can take to this is wondering if you take any medications especially SSRI's (certain class of anti-depressant) If you are these medications tend to disrupt the sensitive sex drive of females then males...but at least we have cialis and viagra to get us well..."up" for the job.
Im just being honest im sorry if i offend...
AskMyGF / 22 / Woman / Likes Men / Single
You can't look at sex as a chore. It's not. It's an awesome set of moments you share with the person you love...when you are completely vulnerable and open to one other human being. It's beautiful. It's magical. It's. well, not what you seemingly see it as.
I'm thinking that there are other things going on in your life that are distracting you from the sex. When we women get stressed out, that's the end of our sexual desires. I've gone through it more than my fair share of times, and I've only been married three years (or close to it). I imagine you have too. If you have stress from work, the family, etc, it'll drive you to thinking sex is a chore when it is not. You have to work on those areas of your life first.
If you don't want to have sex because you're tired, make a point to have a morning fuck fest with him. Relieving his morning wood is an excellent way for him to start the day, and hopefully you'll have the energy you need to get off as well.
If you think you're taking too long to blow him, it's because he can tell you're not into it. How do you think that makes him feel? He knows you don't want to do it, so it takes three times as long because he has to fucking fantasize for forever to pretend that the woman at the other end of his dick actually wants to be there. Sorry to say, but he literally has to get so deep in fantasy that it's like you're no longer there. That's what you're making your husband feel like.
I'm not trying to be rude, but you are really not making the efforts you need to that will make things better for you. I mean this in the most sincere attempt to help you: you're the problem, not him. You've got to start seeing sex in a new light, not as a task to get you both to orgasm. It's so so so much more than that.
Put the damn vibrator away. It's easy for any woman to get off with those...that's why it takes 5 minutes. Sex isn't about time though - it's about connection. You can't connect with your vibe. You can't do shit with it other than get your heart racing for a millisecond until it falls back down into the depressed state it was in. Forget about the toy and focus on the dick you have access to. Even if it takes longer to get off that way, it should be a more enjoyable experience if you do it right.
I don't know how often 30 somethings have sex, but most married couples do it every other day or so. Some do it way way more, but once you hit a certain age and stress level, it's hard to get in the mood super easily.
All I can tell you to do is to start thinking about sex as an amazing way to connect with your husband, not just as something that leads to an orgasm. If you need to see a doctor about this because you think it may be hormonal, I urge you to do so. i have...twice...and it's made a big difference. If you open your mind up though, you'll be much happier in the end.
Take care.
AskMyGF / 22 / Woman / Likes Men / Single
Andy: No demerits this time because I novelized as well. It'd be semi-hypocritical :) I can't exactly punish you because all I know about you is you're a 25 yr old guy from "somewhere in New England"...thus the demerits may do nothing more than pile up. Be scared though, just in case I find something to punish with...be scared...be scared....
Needhelp / Woman / Likes Men / Single
I feel the need to share the rest of the story here, though much of it is way too personal and I would not want to post all of it for just anyone to see. To be told that I am 100% of the problem made me slightly angry as there is two people here... It takes two to tango (isn't that the saying?)
I appreciate the time it takes you to read and respond, and I've gotten a couple ideas outa this... It was never this way before... I don't even know what changed. The more I think about it, the more it upsets me, thus the less likely I'll want to even TRY to cum.
You mentioned that it could be a medical issue... How likely is that? I've often thought about it myself... I'm not taking any medicine at all, OTC or otherwise. I've got no doctor, no money and no sex...
Anyway... That's it for now.
AskMyGF / 22 / Woman / Likes Men / Single
I respond based on what I see, and what I saw was that half of the two of you were trying to tango...you were the non-tangoing one. If there is more to the story, please take no offense to what I said or will say. Honesty is my only policy.
There are so many things that can cause hormonal imbalances. You'd be surprised. I had one, and I'm a bright and happy 21 year old with all the health in the world. Stress, weight changes, general life changes...anything can be to blame. you could also have fallen out of love with him sexually. You may just need a spontaneous night to recharge your spark. I can't sayt much more without knowing the details I suppose.
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