Hi, I just finished this message and went back and read it, and before you read it, I want to apologize for the graphic nature of my text. I don't mean to offend anyone (I'm sure you've heard it all and some), I just want to be "explicit" as the form says.
Me and my girlfriend have been together 9 months now. We care about each other a great deal. While the sex is immensely enjoyable, it's not satisfying to me. One of my ex-girlfriends was into rough sex and turned me on to it. After being with her, I find the only way to truly "get off" is to have really rough sex. She used to like for me to do things like: cuff her to the bed and "face fuck" her. She liked gagging on my penis, not to the point of throwing up or anything (gross!), but enough to have her cough a few times. She liked to be choked during oral and vaginal sex. Another thing that I miss, is the dirty talk. She liked to be talked down to during sex. The best part? Whenever I was ready to finish she loved for me to either shove my penis deep into her throat and release my load; or she would let me cum on all over her face (and even spit on it once I was done). I know this can come off as disrespectful and degrading, but she was the one who got me started on this! After all this kinky sex, regular/average sex just doesn't excite me the same way :(
So, how can I get my girlfriend to let me do the things that really get me turned on. I want to be able to fuck her face, gag her, pull her hair, talk dirty to her and especially cum on her beautiful face; but I don't want to scare her or anything. I've tried introducing some roughness into the bed, very slowly/cautiously, like putting my hand around her neck but not squeezing too hard during sex. While receiving oral sex, I placed my hand behind her head and began thrusting my penis into her mouth, basically gently face fucking her. I've tried some light dirty talk such as "Oh, yea, suck that cock baby" and "You like when I fuck your pussy like that?". She didn't seem too put off by these actions, but she didn't seem too turned on either. What kind of dirty things can I do without totally shocking her? I can't even imagine calling her "my little cum slut" like I would with my previous girl, or having her say "I'm worthless cum whore". I'm afraid I'll freak her out if I go all the way. And even more so, I'm afraid that if I tell her what turns me on, she is going to feel unable to please me, and therefore not want to have sex; or worse, not want to be with me because she may think I'm some kind of sick person or that I'm not happy in the relationship.
I understand this is probably looked at as strange (please don't judge, I promise I'm a very decent human being) and any advice you could give on the topic would be great. Maybe I'm forced to try and find one of the few girls that actually enjoys being degraded (submissive) during sex? But I really like this girl, so I'm stuck! What do I do? How can I bring rough sex into the bed? And what types of dirty things can I say? What's acceptable? I don't even know at this point! Basically, what's the nastiest thing you can say to the average girl, than won't completely turn her off, and how do I work my way back up to the truly graphic stuff? Sorry for the ear (eye) full. Thanks for your time/advice. It is appreciated.
12 Replies
Evilsaint / Woman / Likes Men / Single
I completely disagree with sincereposter. I am a female that has never had a bad experience with sex ( rape, molestation, etc.) I dont watch tons of porn and I am exactly like the girl you described. I enjoy the idea of a man domineering me. As long as both parties are in willing I dont think there is anything unhealthy about these desires, and it doesnt mean you need porn rehab!! I think everyone's deisres vary I personally find it absurd to have sex on a schedule in the same missionary position with the lights out, but I dont go as far as saying its unhealthy,( though it can be damaging to a relationship) I say dont let anyone judge you.
Bb300rr · Evilsaint, it's great to read your take on this. I wonder: do you agree with your partner on a signal to make it stop if it gets too much, or not? Personally, I do check out the porn, but it's almost always disappointing: needlessly degrading (slapping, spitting), and in spite of that never as rough as I see it in my imagination. And my imagination was there long before porn became this rough. So it's not necessarily the porn that is altering us.
Christopher6 / Woman / Likes Men / Single
Obviously, the act of sex is the most physically intimate act that two people can share. Especially in the beginning, some people are nervous, hesitant, or simply not really certain about what to do. The most intelligent thing that a person can do is learn about the act of sex, how a man and a woman's bodies function, and what works best for excellent sex. Very few people are ever given this information. Everyone should find good articles or books that do offer the necessary knowledge. The problem is that we are never taught about the subject, and not many good sources of detailed information exist. One great place to find detailed information is the website, Howtohavesexlikeamaster.com.
Sincereposter / Woman / Likes Men / Single
With all due respect Evilsaint, I think you need to reevaluate the circumstances here. I'm not being judgmental, I'm just trying to be as real as I can be about it. Personally, I don't think it takes a psychologist to deem absorbing these behaviors and messages from pornography as being unhealthy, but that's beside the point.
You may very well feel as you say you do Evilsaint, but to quote someone from another Internet message board, "the rare breed of women who think as you do, aren't aware they're a rare". How many other women do you honestly think are on a sex discussion sites, condoning the kind of behavior the OP entails, not only that but finding it appealing? I think the honest answer is "not many". Not many women are enthusiastic about pain and mistreatment in a sexual context such as being strangled or gagged, or dominated in a way that symbolizes their degradation or objectification.
These sort of practices we're much more safe and rational between consenting adults experienced in culture of BDSM before the advent of the Internet and raunchy hardcore Internet porn began portraying women as objects that absorb this kind abuse and degradation, alongside it's idealizing all sexual behavior around the male's sexual satisfaction. Now every Joe who watches the porn becomes attached to the behavior and the mentality, and that's not a good thing. And becoming so fixated on it that "regular" sex and sexual behavior becomes too boring is a clear indicator of addiction and desensitization. The idea of implementing sadism and debasement into the most intimate parts of the everyday relationship, is something I find very troubling, and trying to force it or guilt trip or condition someone into it is just plain wrong.
Sincereposter / Woman / Likes Men / Single
Reading through the initial post, the OP did ask "how can I get my girlfriend to let me do the things that really get me turned on." Basically asking for a method of coercion to use to bring about her acceptance of it, as if there was a uniform method. When the fact is, most women do not enjoy being treated as such, nor appreciate being used just for the gratification of a man, the dynamic of this behavior.
The question wasn't "are there girls out there who enjoy this", it was "how can I get my girlfriend to conform to this". Obviously, he has instilled this idea surrounding his own satisfaction, as I see no mention of his concern for if -she- would find pleasure in such behavior. It's just about getting her to fulfill what gets him off - the ideals of most porn. He even stated how he tried to initiate some of it, but got no reaction from her. He says he's with someone who even he knows would probably find his "desires" repulsive, yet he still seeks a way to fulfill them. I think the OP realizes this behavior as depraved and cruel, otherwise he wouldn't feel shame in her knowing, he wouldn't be afraid to communicate it.
I'm all for open-mindedness. But I see being open-minded as things like railing against a social idealism enforced through the abuse of capitalism rather than conforming to it, or ending bigotry, racism and sexism, even gender roles. I don't see it as normalizing anything that represents pain, oppression, sexism, degradation or sadomasochism as being part of the everyday interaction between men and women, as the bulk of today's pornography does. There's nothing open-minded about turning men into sadistic brutes and women into masochistic objects (both of which are in the Encyclopedia of Mental Disorders), but there are many forces at work pushing that agenda because it makes a ton of money, and it keeps those with power, in power.
Sincereposter / Woman / Likes Men / Single
Firstly, I have sincere doubts about you ever having this "girlfriend" you describe. If you actually did, she was among a rare breed.
What you are describing are the ideals of modern day pornography, and it's false portrayals of women and female sexuality. I find the imageries and messages that this kind of content sends off to be very unhealthy from a psychological standpoint, physically dangerous, and degrading to society for both men and women. Please don't take what you see in porn to heart. It isn't acceptable behavior, most women are not like that, and taking a physical beating and being objectified, used and degraded is not real female sexuality. Even if that's what you will often see in porn, or you may read in Internet discussion.
If you feel such a strong attachment to this kind of psychology and behavior, I suggest seeking some form of rehab for porn. It is not okay to assert this kind of behavior outward onto people. So please don't try with your current girlfriend.
Evilsaint / Woman / Likes Men / Single
I may be a rare breed, but rare is not non existant. I am just stating that some women do enjoy that behavior. Also it is obvious that his idea is not absorbed around male satisfaction alone If that was the case, he would not be concerned with her interest in this behavior he would just act these fantasies out. He isnt not forcing her or guilt tripping her into. He seems to be sincere about wanting to find out if it interests her, and he wants to find a way to fullfill his desire and not degrade her You need to understand that while you feel the way you do, which is perfectly normally, Some people are more open- minded and that should not be found to be " troubling".
Annie / Woman / Likes Men / Single
I've been the girl in this exact situation, totally wishing my boyfriend would take control sexually and being too scared to ask because I was afraid he would think I was a slut and not the person he fell in love with. So I completely understand. So start off small, like you are now, for example when shes on top and you're both about to come, smacking her ass a couple times (not really hard but hard enough to make a light noise).Tell her it's so good you can't help it-she will love that she turns you on that much. Or grabbing a good bit of hair to guide her mouth when she's going down on you by pulling it-it won't really hurt if you have enough of it. And you can say "I want you to take me all the way in" or whatever it is you want her to do. Trust me, all girls want to know what to do because then they know you will like what they are doing. She can always say no. If she doesnt say no-keep going! Keep getting more brazen and eventually you'll be face fucking her, telling her your about to come on her face, doing things that may hurt a little, and everything else you want to do. And I'll be jealous. :)
Evilsaint / Woman / Likes Men / Single
That is not always true. My boyfriend was very straight laced. It took me a while ( almost 2 yrs) to tell him I liked to me choked, spanked,etc. He said that he never thought about "rough sex" but agreed for me. Now he LOVES it!! I still say the only way to find out is to pry.:)
Throat_poker / Woman / Likes Men / Single
If she really got turned on by the rough sex youd know by now.... some girls just arent, not much you can do.
Jenny / Woman / Likes Men / Single
Don't fret fetishes are very common and yours is not unsual at all. After nine months however, you should be able to communicate your fantasies to your girlfriend without a problem. I understand that you were very satisfied in your previous relationship but you must accept that this is a different person and you can't pick up with her, where you left off with the other one. I like that you've started to do rough things to her slowly as you should continue to do so but I highly recommend voicing your desires as nervous or embarassing it may be for you, which it shouldn't because she is your girlfriend afterall. There are no right or wrong things to say, go with your isntincts and as Evilsaint stated below, she may turn out to be a freak in the bed as well. By no means tell her what you did with your ex, but do suggest what you would like done to you and vice versa. Best wishes!
Evilsaint / Woman / Likes Men / Single
Have you tried to pry into her a little and find out what her "dirty" little secret is? Sometimes the sweetest girl can be the biggest freak in the bed. It could be possible that she is open minded to the idea but scared to talk to you about. If you want to make this relationship work, take the time to pry into her dark desire, you might be able to come to a happy middle.
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