I recently found out that my girlfriend is a childhood rape/incest survivor. Since this came to light, it's been difficult for me to initiate any bedroom activity. I know that the longer I hold out, the longer I make her feel like damaged goods, but at the same time, I now feel guilty bringing my maleness and my penis and my sexual desire around her. And I understand some of the odd tendancies I noticed from her in bed, namely this grimace that she does like she's not really enjoying it. I want us both to be happy and healthy, but I need for the pleasure to go both ways, and I just don't see her enjoying our bedroom time as much as I want her too. All this has ruined sex for us. Any ideas?
2 Replies
Exokisa / Woman / Likes Men / Single
You need to try to get your girlfriend to trust you more. If she was the one who told you about the rape, it's a good sign. The fact that it was incest as well means that she understandably has issues trusting men that are close to her. Let her take the lead in the bedroom, even in foreplay and make out sessions. Let her be the one decide when/if you take it to the next level. Compliment her and don't be pushy.
You shouldn't feel guilty about being male. You're not really responsible for anything you did before you found out about her history. Talk to her while you do sexual things so that she remains rooted in the present. Focus on doing only those things that she likes without reservation for a while. Have her tell you exactly what she doesn't like too so you can avoid those things. Use that grimace as an indicator of where she is at during sex. If you see it, talk her through it, reassure her or ask her if she wants to stop.
It might take a while and there may be a few things that she may never want to try or want you to say. It won't be easy, but I wish you the best.
Jackie / Woman / Likes Men / Single
This is a very hard issue to handle. Clearly her past is still not completely forgotten and it may take some time for both of you to sort this out. Since this is not a situation that can be solved overnight, if you really like her and want to see what comes of the relationship talk to her. Figure out how she is feeling and what the two of you can do to make the sex better. If you both really love each other and a discussion will not help, there is always the option of couples counseling or sex therapy. A certified doctor may be able to give you tips to make sex not so frightening for her and may give you tips on how to begin thinking about her sexually and not as "damaged goods." Chemistry in a relationship is extremely important and helps to maintain one. Talking about it may ease your guilt and cut the tension.
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